


The Words I Could Not Say

by kanekiishappy



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Awkward First Times, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Depressing, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Explicit Consent, Falling In Love, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Sleepovers, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:34:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22271128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanekiishappy/pseuds/kanekiishappy
Summary: Mafuyu tries to move on but can’t forget the words he harshly said that day. He thinks about what he should have said instead but couldn’t. He can’t put this into words, but he’s angry and sad - he feels hopeless. He keeps on thinking about those words - even after meeting Ritsuka.Is it okay for him to fall in love again? Will he ever open up to Ritsuka? He just wishes he could talk to Yuki one last time. He wants to find the right words and wants to tell them to Yuki. Wants him to know. Wants Yuki to forgive him.While Mafuyu is going through all of this alone, Ritsuka wonders how to take the next step in their relationship.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48





	1. Intro: A love impossible to put an end to (with words)

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! Explicit suicide in the first chapter. Very angsty.  
> Hi! My name's Eri and it's my first time publishing a fic on here. It's also my first time publishing a fanfic in English - it's not my first language so I'm sorry if there's any mistake, as I don't have a proofreader and I can only catch so many errors.  
> This fanfic is very personal to me. I feel like I found some peace after writing this, and I will continue to try to heal along with Mafuyu throughout this story. Please, enjoy.

Mafuyu let it out out of anger. He didn’t mean it. Or did he?

“Just fucking do it, then. If you want to die, kill yourself for good.” He stared at Mafuyu when these words fell in his chest. Mafuyu felt them hit him, but he couldn’t care. “Are you so useless that you can’t even do that? How many times have you tried, yet you are still alive?”

He remained silent. He genuinely didn’t know what to say. Of course he didn’t. He knew Mafuyu was right. Because Mafuyu was right. Because, for some goddamn reason, Mafuyu was always right in the things that could only hurt others.

“You think leaving me will be the best for me, but I do wonder just why about everyone thinks that way. I wonder if it’s just that people have no other way of saying that they can’t stand me anymore. I wonder why everyone masks it with an excuse. ‘I don’t want to keep on hurting you.’ I don’t care. I couldn’t care less that you don’t want to hurt me. Have you thought of what I want? I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want you to leave this world. But if you think that’s best for you, what more can I do? I’ve helped you in every way I could. I’m sorry that I can’t save you from yourself. I can’t do it. I can’t. So if you’re not willing to save yourself, be serious and kill yourself for good.”

His eyes began to shine in the dim light. He was going to cry. But not yet. Not just yet.

“Maybe… Maybe inside I don’t really want that,” he mumbled. But Mafuyu could hear it perfectly. Mafuyu could hear the way he was breaking inside. So why did he continue to say the same thing over and over? Mafuyu wanted it to stop. He wanted his own mouth to shut but he just couldn’t help himself.

“You were right,” Mafuyu says, walking to the door. He doesn’t want to see the look on his face when Mafuyu keeps on talking, “you should have hung there until your neck broke.”

He wraps his hand around the doorknob. Yet Mafuyu is still waiting. For a reaction. A word. A sound. The ‘fuck you’ he deserved to hear.

“You don’t mean that.” And he’s begging Mafuyu not to leave. He’s begging for a second chance. He’s begging Mafuyu not to leave him to die yet Mafuyu just wants to walk out of that door and forget him. “You know you are the reason I haven’t tried to commit suicide for the last months, right?” And it hurts because Mafuyu has known him since they were kids. And it hurts because all Mafuyu can hear is him saying that he couldn’t protect him. “You are the reason why I thought that staying in this world a little longer… might not be that bad. You are the reason. You are the reason why I was okay living, even if I was hurting. You are the reason. How many times do I have to tell you so you believe me?”

“I don’t care. You are nothing more than a nuisance to me now. You are so egoistic just thinking about yourself. Have you ever thought about how I feel? I will tell you if you don’t know it.” A pause, and then, “I love you! That’s why this hurts. Because I think I love you too much. I can’t think of a day without you. You don’t know how much it pains me to know that you want to take your own life. So if I can’t convince you to stay alive, I’ll just leave you. Because I can’t take the pain of losing you. I hope one day you’ll understand, even if it’s in the afterlife.”

Mafuyu opens the door and leaves him behind. He doesn’t know if he’s crying. Mafuyu doesn’t know what face did he make when he broke his heart one last time. He only knows that he wants to leave. Mafuyu wants to leave this town. He doesn’t want to leave Yuki, but he needs to leave these feelings behind.

Still, he didn’t get to tell Yuki that he would understand him.

“But you knew it, right,Yuki? I would understand you even if you decided to leave this world. It would be hypocritical of me not to.

“So I hope you can understand this too. I can’t take this pain anymore. I can’t live without you but I can’t take you deciding that it would be better for me if you just disappeared. I will decide that myself. I will choose my own path. This is where my path begins, it begins putting an end to our story. I am ending this chapter so I can start a new one. I am ending things with you so I can be in pain alone, and find a way to cure or to keep on breaking. I don’t know yet.

“But I am leaving you so I can find some peace. We shall meet in the afterlife, now.”

That night, Yuki looked around his room through the dim light that came out of his laptop. The windows have been shout for God knows how many months now. The curtains have been kept closed, everyday, for as long as he can remember. He has barely got any light the past two weeks. He only goes out of his room to get coffee, and rarely brings food to his room. But somehow, it’s still dirty. Though it’s almost pitch black, he can see the thrown clothes on the floor. He can see the forgotten dishes with unfinished food on his desk. Hell, he can smell it. He smells the rancid food, but perhaps it’s not just that. He can’t remember the last time he had a proper shower, either. The only thing he remembers is his daily routine: he wakes up in the afternoon, goes downstairs, gets coffee, goes back to his room, watches whatever video on YouTube, and texts Mafuyu. And then they text, and text, and fight, and sometimes also joke, and once his coffee is gone, he goes downstairs, gets more, and drinks it all. The. Same. Routine. Everyday.

It’s only natural that he’s gotten sick of it, right? He’s gotten sick of his routine and he’s gotten sick of Mafuyu. Deep down, he wishes he’d never met him. Mafuyu knows that. Mafuyu only ruined him. Only managed to break him again. Yuki won’t admit this, but Mafuyu knows by the way he talks to him. He talks like Mafuyu has given him the hope he didn’t want nor asked for. Mafuyu has given him something he wishes he didn’t have. Because he doesn’t want anything that ties him to this word anymore.

Yuki looks around himself, and ultimately finds himself alone. He gulps, unable to stop this ugly feeling that is born in his throat. He wants to end it. He wants to stop feeling whatever he’s feeling, because he isn’t quite sure what he’s feeling anymore. He just wants it to stop. Everything. He needs everything to stop.

But he decides Mafuyu deserves something, before he ends it all. So he unlocks his phone, searches for the group chat he shares with Mafuyu, Hiiragi and Shizusumi, and exits. Mafuyu notices almost immediately, and so he ask Yuki privately, “Why did you leave the chat,” but he just responds that he doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want to talk, but he doesn’t know the amount of times Mafuyu has talked to him when he didn’t feel like it. He leaves Mafuyu’s last text on read, and Mafuyu figures that something must be happening. Deep down, Mafuyu knew that he would do this. He knew that he would try it again. Simply because Mafuyu knew him too well. Mafuyu knew him better than he knew himself, and that was slowly killing both of them.

After Yuki left his message on read, he went to bed. Mafuyu didn’t want to think about him. He didn’t want to deal with his complicated personality. Mafuyu deserved to rest and he deserved to have some peace for himself. So he went to sleep, and wished Yuki would be alive tomorrow, too.

In a way, Mafuyu feels bad for not staying up with him. He felt bad because he didn’t know the right words to say. He didn’t have anything to say, really. Nothing would come to his mind that night. He was that mentally exhausted. And even if Mafuyu had stayed awake trying to keep him company, Yuki would have rejected him.

After leaving the chat, he proceeded to make room in his bed. He closed his laptop, put it away safely on his desk and sat back on his bed. He breathed deeply, took out a little blade he had hidden under his bed, and thought to himself, “This will be the end.”

He didn’t think of anything. He didn’t feel like he deserved a second chance. The thing is, this wasn’t even his second chance. This was his fourth chance to live. And he only wasted it. He put the blade against his wrist and thought twice before adding any pressure. He thought of Mafuyu, the moment he hesitated.Yuki thought of him one last time. He thought of Mafuyu, and he knows it because he sent Hiiragi a text that night.

He put his blade away, for a moment, and reached out to get his phone. He saw the clock, and a message from Hiiragi. He thought his friends, at least, deserved some last words. The time read exactly quarter past twelve. And this was going to be his last night. His last night.

He writes, before knotting his safely-kept rope, “You are the most important people to me and I can’t stand that because more than anything I want to die and I don’t want to hurt anyone when that happens. I just don’t want to hurt you.”

And he feels terrible. Terrible, truly. With everything. With himself. He finishes knotting his precious rope, and hangs it on the corner where he had hung it the second time he had tried to kill himself. He is that pathetic. But he’s willing to end everything tonight, so it’s not like it matters. Not anymore. He’ll hang himself in the same dark corner of his room where he had tried last time.

It’s almost automatic, how he stands in his chair and hangs that thing to the ceiling. Almost a second later, it’s around his neck. And his feet seem to dance, before doing it. Before deciding whether he has the guts to put an end to this. His feet tap the chair. Once, twice. He was so ready to do this. He doesn’t want to live. He knows this. He knows this. So why is he crying, if this is what he wants. Why is he crying, if the rope is just hugging his neck in a pleasant way. Why is he crying, if he is standing still in that goddamn chair of his. Why is he crying. Why is he crying. Hasn’t he cried enough, yet? He’s tired of crying. He’s so tired of crying. And he’s so tired of hurting. Hurting. Hurting. And crying. And yet. Yet.

Maybe inside he doesn’t want to do that.

Maybe inside he doesn’t want to die.

But how could Mafuyu understand that? How could he know. He’d never know, because Yuki won’t leave anything for him. He won’t leave a letter for Mafuyu. He won’t leave any message. Certainly, he won’t leave the song he wrote for him. Not even that. He will take it all with him. He would rather be buried with everything he couldn’t give to Mafuyu. He couldn’t give him anything, in the end. Really.

The only thing Yuki is going to leave behind for Mafuyu to take is pain. He’ll leave him a pain that Mafuyu won’t be able to stop. No matter how. No matter what. It’s going to be a pain so sharp that it will break everything. First, it will stop Mafuyu’s breathing. When he realized that he can breathe, even if it doesn’t feel that way, the pain will tie a knot in his throat. Tears won’t come out. And Mafuyu will want to scream this pain away, until it’s all gone. But he won’t be able to scream, either. This pain will only make him weaker and weaker. Until everything that Mafuyu ever was, is gone. The pain will not stop until it breaks Mafuyu’s heart slowly. Oh, so slowly. This pain, the pain that Yuki left when he died, it would always stay with Mafuyu.

But how could Yuki know that? He won’t know - he will be gone when that happens. He will be gone. He will be gone and none of that will matter. Nothing will matter. It won’t matter that he loved Mafuyu. It won’t matter that he didn’t want it to end this way. It won’t matter that the only reason he spent more time with the band instead of with Mafuyu is because he wanted to make a song for him. That won’t matter. None of it will matter. It won’t matter that he loved Mafuyu. Because he will be gone. He will be gone and it won’t matter that he loved Mafuyu to death.

When Yuki manages to stop crying, he takes a deep breath. And he feels a bit sad that Mafuyu doesn’t know him even after all this time. Just a bit sad. How could he not know that he’d do anything for him? Didn’t Mafuyu know that Yuki loved him? Maybe he should have told him one last time. Or maybe he never said it enough? He doesn’t know and at this rate he can’t do anything about it. He guesses that he will leave this world with that one regret only - not knowing if he told Mafuyu that he loved him. Maybe, if he had told him… If Yuki had told Mafuyu that he loved him, instead of spending so much time with the band. Maybe, if Yuki had told him before he fought with him. Maybe if he had told him, this story wouldn’t end like this.

Yuki was sorry. At the very end, he was sorry. Because he didn’t mean to say the words he said. He was sorry and scared. What will happen when he jumps off the chair? How will death feel? He’s utterly scared but he’s stopped crying now. He tries to clear his mind. He will do one last thing for Mafuyu, and this was it.

This, which only translates to, “Haven’t I told you already? I would do anything for you.” 

He kicks the chair underneath his feet. The rope quickly tightens around his neck. And before he loses consciousness, he notices his red Gibson.

Mafuyu has never asked himself if there’s an afterlife. He has never thought about it. It’s such a simple question, that one which every poet seems to die to answer. What is death? What comes after it? Mafuyu has never wondered such a thing. Why would he care, in the first place? But he’d be a liar if he didn’t admit that he’s thought about dying.

He would wonder everyday after his father’s beating. He’d wonder why such a thing had to happen, and sometimes he thought that he’d rather not exist at all if he had to suffer that kind of pain.

Mafuyu would be a liar if he didn’t admit that he’s thought about dying. But the thing is that he stopped thinking about it when he met Yuki. At first, it was only a weird sensation. It didn’t immediately feel like there was hope for him - that probably came later, several months after his father’s arrest. Mafuyu has certainly thought about dying - but now that feeling is only a memory. Now it’s just a thought on the back of his mind.

He thinks that it’s kind of weird, how people seem to forget their problems when they have someone they love. He does agree - love only makes us stupid. It makes us say things we don’t want to say or do things that we never thought that we could do. But Mafuyu also thinks that he has a sort of right to be able to forget his problems, because after all Yuki was the one who saved him, didn’t he?

Mafuyu likes to think that he has every right to move on from his trauma if it’s Yuki who saved him. If it’s Yuki who is by his side. He also wishes he could tell Yuki - he wishes that Yuki would know that he saved him when they were only kids. Yuki doesn’t know how much he’s helped Mafuyu, but he wishes he knew. In a way, it feels like it’s enough if Mafuyu is by his side, too. If he thanks Yuki by spending his time with him and experiencing new things everyday. Mafuyu feels like he’s thanked him every time they’ve hold hands. Mafuyu feels like he’s thanked him when he shared his first kiss with Yuki. And all the times they’ve kissed, after that. Mafuyu feels like he’s thanked Yuki when they had their first time together. And he feels like there are enough ways he’s thanked him throughout the years. Still, he wishes he could find the right words to thank him for everything he’s done for him.

He wants to tell Yuki all of this. And he wants to say sorry for what he said two days ago - he didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it. He understands that Yuki has to spend time with the band. It’s just that… It’s just that he had missed him. For a brief second, Mafuyu felt like he didn’t matter enough to Yuki, if he spent so much time with the band instead of with him.

Mafuyu wants to be forgiven. And he wants to forgive Yuki, too.

Yuki’s room door is opened a certain night. For some reason, it’s pitch dark inside but as if it were a gemstone, Yuki’s red guitar shines in the darkness. Mafuyu doesn’t know why, but he reaches for it before he can call out his boyfriend’s name. Almost as if he already knew what was about to come, he hugs the guitar as tightly as he can. His fingers caress the strings oh so softly until he stops abruptly. He gulps, unable to take another step. His mouth dries - and it hurts. Suddenly, something inside of him begins to ache.

Mafuyu looks up almost on reflex. He needs to make sure that this isn’t happening. This must be a dream - it must be a dream. Or a sick joke. He’s sure that Yuki drank and passed out on his bed. He’s sure that he is alright, so this must be something that his mind just made up, right? This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening - Mafuyu wants to believe that for a second. Everything stops just for that amount of time. It takes only a second to think, “this isn’t happening.”

And in the next second, his heart sinks and his hands hug a little too tightly the guitar’s strings. One string breaks with a thud.

That’s the story of a certain winter. The story of a certain night.


	2. First verse: Take a look at this pain inside of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have felt so heartbroken for no reason at all these past weeks. at times like these, I feel like I understand Mafuyu a bit more.

Mafuyu sees the same dream again and again. It is a faraway dream where Yuki is hanging on the corner of his room and his eyes stare lifelessly at him. His eyes stare lifelessly at him but he says, “This is all your fault.” It sounds like a reproach, like he says so to hurt him. In that dream, Mafuyu can only gulp and hold Yuki’s guitar tightly. In that dream, sometimes, he is hugging Yuki’s corpse instead. And very rarely, Mafuyu dreams of Yuki visiting him. He would sit on his bed and simply look at him like he would always do when they were alone - sometimes, though, he would caress his face as if telling him that he would be alright even if he wasn’t there to take care of him

Other times, Yuki, in his dreams, would choke him with his bare hands and crying he would say, “You made me miserable, Mafuyu. I wish I had never met you.”

He often sees Yuki in his dreams. It used to make him feel relieved - relieved because he was there. Because he was there with him. Because it made him feel like he wasn’t so lonely in this world. Mafuyu isn’t lonely. He is not. But when Yuki visits him in his dreams, he wishes there would be more to it. Usually, Mafuyu’s mouth would be sewn and from the end of it would hang a needle. He can’t unsew his mouth no matter what he tries. He pulls the needle as hard as he can, but it only bleeds. When he is so desperate to talk, to say something, he scratches his mouth until the thread starts to break. But that, too, only bleeds. Before it gets so painful that he can’t keep on scratching, Yuki kindly asks him to stop.

“Don’t hurt yourself,” Yuki would tell him. And if Mafuyu’s mouth weren’t sewn, he would laugh at him. He would laugh pathetically and he would cry and he would scream. He would do all of this, if he could.

Mafuyu wishes there would be more to his dreams, because he really wants to tell Yuki what’s going through his mind. He wants to talk to him one last time. But his mouth is sewn and it can only bleed and the only one who is left miserable in this world is Mafuyu. When he thinks about it, it doesn’t hurt so much. His heart doesn’t ache as much, he tells himself this. For now, he guesses he is fine with his mouth sewn, because he hasn’t found the right words yet. Not yet.

Still, no matter how many times he dreams of Yuki’s dead body hanging in a dark room, there are no words. There are no words he could say, even if he found them. That’s why in those dreams his mouth isn’t sewn. Ironically, it hurts much more when he can physically talk. Because he can’t say anything. Not even scream. Nor cry. He can’t cry, and it hurts so much. It’s just that he hasn’t realized it yet.

Mafuyu sees the same dream again and again. Except it’s not really a dream, because Yuki was dead and he wasn’t coming back. He sees the same dream again and again, but it doesn’t matter that it is a dream because he actually was the one who found Yuki’s body. 

Mafuyu sees the same dream again and again. Except he wishes it were only a dream.

He wonders. Is any of it worth it? 

After the funeral, Saeko had begged him to carry the burden for her. He is only being a good kid by accepting it. He is only doing what he is told. It’s the least he can do, after all. It’s the only thing he can do, because he feels responsible. He is the culprit, after all. The least he can do is carry the burden, because that’s all Yuki had left for him.

He thinks, maybe, Yuki would have wanted this for him. In a way. Maybe he would have wanted Mafuyu to take his guitar. Saeko had said that it was painful to hold onto it herself - and that Mafuyu should take it and move on. Take this burden and move on. Take this, the only thing that Yuki had left, and move on. It was funny, in a way. Maybe if Mafuyu weren’t so broken inside, he would have laughed. Yes, he would have. It was nothing but a cruel joke on him. It was like pushing him to emptiness and saying “try and get out on your own” only to be left alone later. Unable to get up. To get out. To move on.

Mafuyu had never known how taking this burden would make him feel like he deserved to move on from Yuki. He wants to feel like Yuki would have wanted this for him. Yuki would have wanted him to take his guitar. Yuki would have wanted him to play music. Yuki would have wanted him to move on. Yuki would have wanted that. Mafuyu knows this. Mafuyu knows that Yuki had loved him dearly. He knew it, because Mafuyu loved him that way, too. But he wonders. He can’t help but wonder. Is it alright for him to move on? Is it alright if he carries a burden that isn’t his? Is the pain of taking something Yuki loved with him worth it?

He doesn’t know. But he knows that Yuki was someone he was deeply in love with. He still is. And Yuki… He was extraordinary, after all. So how is it not worth it? If he loved him and he was loved, too. That’s why he takes it. The burden. The pain. He takes everything. All those dreadful feelings. He will be fine, carrying all of this. Eventually. He knows it.

Saeko had asked Mafuyu to take Yuki’s guitar. And how could he say no to a mother who had just lost her child?

After the funeral, everything is a blurry image. Mafuyu sees everything with blurry eyes, like he is about to break down and cry at any given moment. He does feel like he is going to cry, but no tears come out. Everything is a blurry image because his mind is foggy with memories and dreams that aren’t dreams and words he shouldn’t have said. He goes to the funeral alone, sits in a corner and barely looks up. Can barely look at Saeko in the eye. It feels wrong at first, because it feels like he is looking at his own mother and confessed that he just killed a man. It feels wrong because he was the one who found Yuki. And once again, how can you look a mother in the eye and say that you’re sorry? Mafuyu can’t, so he doesn’t. He is pulled in a hug by Saeko and he guesses that it’s enough. For now. That is enough.

That day was also the last time he saw Hiiragi and Shizusumi. And it is not like Mafuyu had tried to disappear from everyone’s lives. It’s just that he stayed in his bed longer than usual. He slept longer and barely got out of his room. And, well, Hiiragi and Shizusumi never reached out. He wonders. In the back of his mind. Do they not care about him. Or perhaps they are afraid, too. To face these feelings. To say goodbye. Mafuyu remembers Hiiragi’s loud crying in the funeral. He remembers all of it, but it’s foggy. Everything is foggy and blurry and makes no sense without Yuki.

One evening, one of those evenings where Mafuyu would simply lay in bed and wonder. And wonder and think and imagine and remember. And wish for a dream that would never come true. One of those days, not so long after the funeral, Saeko visited him. His friends never cared enough to visit him, but Yuki’s mother did. Maybe, in a way, she is the only one who can understand his pain the best. Even if it’s not the same. He thinks Saeko must understand his pain.

She visits him and says this and that and Mafuyu doesn’t even want to hear whatever she has to say. It feels like he’s being punched in the face and he is tired of feeling. That’s why he sleeps for a little longer than usual. That’s why he can’t get out of bed. That’s why. That’s why. Saeko says that Yuki had always been the type to get hurt easily and that him dying didn’t have anything to do with their last fight. Saeko says that but someone is screaming loudly in Mafuyu’s mind, so he can’t hear her words correctly. They are just sound. They are a distant echo.

“Forgive us,” Saeko had said before leaving. Mafuyu wants to. He will. With time. He will forgive Saeko.

And he will forgive Yuki.

And he will forgive himself.

Days go by painfully. They are slow and cold. It’s winter, after all, Mafuyu thinks. His birthday is in a couple of weeks now, but it’s not important. Days go by painfully and slowly. They are nothing but emptiness. Still, there are days that have something in them that give them meaning.

It’s a very cold morning when Mafuyu decides to take a walk around. His clock reads seven past ten when he leaves his apartment after saying goodbye to Kedama. He closes the door with the feeling that he is forgetting something. But it’s just a feeling. Just like the past days, and weeks, and months, it’s very cold and he’s reminded of it with the way his scarf hugs his neck warmly.

Mafuyu has a lot of fond memories of it. The scarf. Yuki used to say that it suited him because it was a subdued color. Mafuyu remembers laughing at that joke, and saying nothing else. He never told Yuki, but since this day, it became his favorite scarf. He buries his face in it, and remembers. All the winters he had spent on Yuki’s side.

It doesn’t make him sad, exactly. It’s not like Mafuyu can put his feelings into words, but. He knows he doesn’t feel sad. He knows that much. He walks past the park near his apartment, and can’t help but he remember that he used to spend his evenings there, with Yuki, on that swing.  
He could always go anywhere if it was with Yuki.

Mafuyu sits in the forgotten swing. Forgotten, and covered in snow. Mafuyu sits nonetheless and looks up. It’s still dark, but he knows that the sun must rise soon. It’s another cold day. He looks up. It’s still dark. But it’s different from other days. On his back, he carries that burden. Yuki’s guitar. His very body. It’s the same thing, really.

He’s thinking about several things and nothing at the same time. It is then when he notices the students walking past, probably on their way to class. Maybe he has spent hours sitting there, and he hasn’t noticed at all. He is going to get up because there are some people walking by and giving him strange looks. Probably whispering, “why is that kid sitting alone in a swing covered in snow.” He wonders, too.

He stands up, reluctantly. Decides he won’t look back. He won’t look back. There’s no point in doing so, anyway. It’s like a curse, that swing. He thinks that it might turn to ashes if he looks back. That it will disappear to never come back. Just like Yuki did. Exactly like Yuki did. That’s why he won’t look back. He won’t turn back. He promises himself he won’t. The last time someone turned back, they lost their lover in the Hades. He won’t be as stupid as Orpheus.

He ends up following the crowd. He’ll just go with it, won’t give it a second thought. Despite everything, life goes on. Maybe that’s why it hurts so bad. After all, life goes on. It doesn’t matter that the people you once loved aren’t there anymore. Life goes on, and it takes you with it. It forcefully carries you. You can’t do anything to stop it. Can’t do anything about the immovable fate. Can’t do anything but suck it up, this life you hate. He walks with the crowd. Mafuyu walks to class with all these thoughts, on the back of his mind. They’re muted, but they are there. There’s no point in turning back and wishing for something you can’t change. Turning back, thinking about your past and cursing everything you regret doing is meaningless. But once again, without him, everything feels meaningless.

The wind blows quietly. The snow falls to the ground with no sound. The sun rises but it’s not the same. It’s not the same anymore. Maybe life doesn’t make any sense at all. If it’s really like that, Mafuyu understands him a bit.

He walks with that burden on his back. In the end, he does turn back. The swing is still there, unchanging. The only thing that isn’t there anymore is Yuki.

He sits in class with his look fixed outside the window despite sitting nowhere near it. From time to time, he gazes at the board and writes some words on his notebook. Most times, though, he doesn’t even look at the board nor outside the window. He simply doodles on his notebook, with no thoughts in mind. He just waits for his class to end so he can nap on his newfound spot. It’s on the landing of the second floor stairs in the sports building, just passing through the basketball court. No one goes there and it gets nice sun.

With only the thought of skipping the next class to nap, he doodles the hour away. The clock goes off and off and off. Over and over. It’s the only thing on the back of Mafuyu’s mind, besides the thought of skipping the next period. Tik, tok, tik, tok. The literature teacher writes something on the board. Tik, tok. Mafuyu doodles a heart. Tik, tok. Mafuyu draws a zipper across the heart. Tik, tok. The zipper is broken. Tik, tok. Then, a thunder falls on the heart. Tik, tok. More writing on the board. Tik, tok. Something’s missing.

The next time the clock goes off, Mafuyu notices his classmates standing and talking to each other. When he looks up from his notebook, the teacher is gone. He rises from his desk, takes his things and heads off to his nap spot. Yuki’s guitar case. His guitar. Mafuyu’s own guitar, now, he realizes. He takes his burden and leaves the classroom behind.

When he lies down on the landing, he remembers that thing he’s been telling himself. That he does not miss him. He’s been telling himself this because he doesn’t want to miss him. There is no point in doing so. He doesn’t miss him. Mafuyu does not miss Yuki. But he realizes how stupid this is, trying to lie to himself. Because at the end he is there, laying down and hugging that curse. And he knows why he’s hugging it, that thing, and it is only because he does miss Yuki. Doesn’t matter how many times he tells himself that he doesn’t. He miss Yuki, that’s why he’s hugging that thing. That thing Yuki loved so much. The burden Yuki left for him to take. Because it’s the closest he will ever again be to Yuki. Because it reminds him of the times he slept like this, with Yuki, hugging him. That’s why.

But Mafuyu does not miss him. Mafuyu does not miss Yuki. And he will keep on telling himself this.

His eyelids give in rather soon. He hadn’t realized that he was that tired. Even though it makes sense. It does make sense that he is that tired. This time, he dreams of nothing. His mind is a white cloud that, at some point, will turn dark grey. And ultimately, it will all fall. It will fall, everything. When that time comes, what will he feel, he wonders. What will happen once he is actually able to empty his heart from this aching uproar? Will he ever be able to find peace?

A soft sound awakens him around twenty minutes after giving in to Morpheus. He doesn’t open his eyes at first - only curses to himself. He needed some time for himself, he needed a nap. He needed to get some sleep, especially because he couldn’t get it at night. Because those nightmares keep going back to him, no matter what he does. No matter what he tries to avoid them, the nightmares keep coming. Yuki keeps coming back to his dreams and every fucking night Mafuyu wishes he could tell him to stay away.

He is… He is simply too scared, at night, to sleep. That’s why he skipped class, because he needed a nap. That’s why. But it had to be ruined. Of course it had to be ruined. His life felt like a joke, at times like these.

Mafuyu opens his eyes oh so gently. His eyelashes flutter and he can’t see for a second. Then, there’s a figure staring back at him, by the stairs. As soon as he realizes this, he sits and leaves room for the boy who just interrupted his precious nap. Mafuyu feels annoyed, honestly, but he knows that his face doesn’t show it. Doesn’t show anything. He looks back at the figure, a boy, is that someone from the other class, and feels weird under his gaze. Then, he realizes, he must be looking at him like that because he’s hugging that thing. And that’s a weird thing to do. Mafuyu feels weird and maybe it’s because he is weird.

With a hand, he gestures the guy to sit and he proceeds to do so after an awkward pause. He climbs the stairs and sits on the opposite end. His arms are crossed, Mafuyu notices. He must feel out of place. Mafuyu would, too. But that’s how he feels most times.

Then, a rough sound. The boy clears his throat, says, “You should fix that thing. A string snapped.”

When Mafuyu registers these words, his eyes are wide-open. His heart beats in his chest, restless. It feels heavy. Heavy and difficult to manage. It’s a sudden feeling he can’t control, and so he can’t help but ask something. Something that’s extremely important. A question he needs an answer to.

“Can you? Can you fix this?”

The boy looks at him, doesn’t say anything at first. Mafuyu stares right into his eyes, waiting for an answer. Because this was important. This was vital. If there was a way to fix this. If there was a way to fix this guitar. If there was a way to fix his heart, he needed to know.

“Of course you can fix it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! I am back and very sorry for the wait, last time I completely forgot to mention that updating will be all over the place because uni keeps me busy most of the time, though despite that I do try to write whenever I have the time. I have felt very pressured writing this because I want to make chapters way longer but since it's my first writing a fic in English it gets frustrating. I decided to follow the pace of the story even if that means publishing shorter chapters.  
> ps. added a new tag! halfway through this chapter I realized that this is more like a character study? also, the repetiton is completely intentional. it's both my favorite literary device and personal style.  
> hope you liked the chapter and I will be forever grateful for the feedback ♡

**Author's Note:**

> I promise all of this will make sense in the future lmao  
> I'd love to know your opinions so far! until next time, xoxo


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